Page 7-"Both genders are affected by this destructive personality disorder. I interviewed women and men who have experienced this abuse"
Page xvi-"I facilitate a support group in my area and have seen how important stories are. When I begin the meetings, I often ask what they are hoping to get out of the evening. Most people say "Stories! I need to heart stories so I know I'm not crazy."
Page 3-"Amy read the basic traits-lack of empathy, rage, lacking a strong sense of self controlling manipulative, selfish. She began to feel her eyes were opening to things she had not seen previously."
Page x-"You think you're on the right track after discovering narcissistic personality disorder, but the you read things that are not completely what you experienced."
Page xi-"The overt type of abuser is much more obvious because they lack the intelligence to manipulate as cleverly, so they resort to aggression and violence as their primary weapons. Plausible deniability is the covert narcissists greatest weapon in their arsenal gaslighting tools.
page xi-"They can mirror empathy, concern and tears better than most Hollywood actors.
Page 15-"Some are classified as overt, covert, somatic, cerebral, parasitic, and boomerang. All Narcissists have the same core trait- The official list of these traits is found in the DSM-IV"
According to the DSM-IV, a patient must have at-least five of the following traits to be diagnosed as having a narcissistic personality disorder.
"A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by 5 or more:
1) Has a grandiose sense of self importance (e.g exaggerates achievements & talents, expects to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements)
2) Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3) Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with, other special or high status people (or institutions)
4) Requires excessive admiration
5) Has a sense of entitlement (i.e, unreasonable expectations of especially favourite treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations)
6) Is interpersonally exploitative (i.eg takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends)
7) Lacks empathy is unwilling to recognise or identity with the feelings and needs of others
8) Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9) Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes
Page 150- Is their abusive behaviour conscious or unconscious?
The difference between covert vs overt narcissists
Page 86-Indirect/Insinuating Comments
Traits Of A Covert Narcissist (page 45-71)
1) They do not have a strong sense of self
2) Silent rage
3) Lying
4) Hoovering
5) Constant criticism
6) Jealousy
7) They project their own issues onto you
8) Their words don't match their actions
9) They are emotionally disconnected
10) Flying monkeys
11) They take credit for your ideas
12) They with-hold old praise and recognition
13) They sabotage birthdays, holidays, vacations and meaningful dates
14) They belittle you & "teach you lessons"
15) They are self-focused and emotionally immature
16) They are always strings attached
17) They use people
18) They are dizzying conversationalists
19) They create drama
20) They don't make love; they take it
21) They are not protective
22) They create stories in their head
23) They have no desire to know you
24) They have no interest in making this a great relationship
25) Control & manipulation
Page 16-The word "covert is defined in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as "not openly shown." "Passive-aggressive is defined as "displaying behaviour characterised by the expression of negative feelings, resentment and aggression in an unassertive way"
Page 17-"Overt narcissists are usually annoying people. Most people don't like them. They are showy. They love to talk about their achievements. It is obvious they are all about themselves."
Page 17-"Children of covert narcissists will often have careers that are impressive. They can be pastors, spiritual leaders, therapists, and heads of non profit organisations.They can be politicians who are charming, look you right in the eye, and really seem to care. Coverts do have a grandiose sense of self, are preoccupied with fantasies of power, require excessive admiration, but they hide these attributes so people will like and trust them."
Page 17-"Children of covertly narcissistic parents often do not realise the truth about their mom or dad until their thirties
The Three Phases: Love bombing, Devaluing & Discard (page 24-29)
Page 182-Traits Of Real Love
1) They treat you with respect
2) They stand up for you
3) They believe in you
4) They listen to you
5) They really know you
6) They respect your feelings
7) They want you to be happy
8) Sex-they cherish you, love your body and love to give pleasure
9) They love to treat you and celebrate you
10) They value you
11) They enjoy you
12) They treat you with kindness
13) They support your endeavours
14) They feel excited for you when you succeed
15) They feel empathy for you when you feel sad, scared and unsure
16) Their honesty comes from a place of love
17) They want the best for you
18) They defend you to others
19) They care about you
20) They trust and respect your instincts
21) They encourage you
22) They truly love you, not just with their words but also their actions
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