The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist / Debbie Mirza / Notes

• Page 7-"Both genders are affected by this destructive personality disorder. I interviewed women and men who have experienced this abuse"

• Page xvi-"I facilitate a support group in my area and have seen how important stories are. When I begin the meetings, I often ask what they are hoping to get out of the evening. Most people say "Stories! I need to heart stories so I know I'm not crazy."

• Page 3-"Amy read the basic traits-lack of empathy, rage, lacking a strong sense of self controlling manipulative, selfish. She began to feel her eyes were opening to things she had not seen previously."

• Page x-"You think you're on the right track after discovering narcissistic personality disorder, but the you read things that are not completely what you experienced."

• Page xi-"The overt type of abuser is much more obvious because they lack the intelligence to manipulate as cleverly, so they resort to aggression and violence as their primary weapons. Plausible deniability is the covert narcissists greatest weapon in their arsenal gaslighting tools.

• page xi-"They can mirror empathy, concern and tears better than most Hollywood actors.

• Page 15-"Some are classified as overt, covert, somatic, cerebral, parasitic, and boomerang. All Narcissists have the same core trait- The official list of these traits is found in the DSM-IV"

• According to the DSM-IV, a patient must have at-least five of the following traits to be diagnosed as having a narcissistic personality disorder.

• "A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by 5 or more:

• 1) Has a grandiose sense of self importance (e.g exaggerates achievements & talents, expects to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements)

• 2) Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

• 3) Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with, other special or high status people (or institutions)

• 4) Requires excessive admiration

• 5) Has a sense of entitlement (i.e, unreasonable expectations of especially favourite treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations)

• 6) Is interpersonally exploitative (i.eg takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends)

• 7) Lacks empathy is unwilling to recognise or identity with the feelings and needs of others

• 8) Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

• 9) Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes

Page 150- Is their abusive behaviour conscious or unconscious?

The difference between covert vs overt narcissists

Page 86-Indirect/Insinuating Comments

• Traits Of A Covert Narcissist (page 45-71)

• 1) They do not have a strong sense of self

• 2) Silent rage

• 3) Lying

• 4) Hoovering

• 5) Constant criticism

• 6) Jealousy

• 7) They project their own issues onto you

• 8) Their words don't match their actions

• 9) They are emotionally disconnected

• 10) Flying monkeys

• 11) They take credit for your ideas

• 12) They with-hold old praise and recognition

• 13) They sabotage birthdays, holidays, vacations and meaningful dates

• 14) They belittle you & "teach you lessons"

• 15) They are self-focused and emotionally immature

• 16) They are always strings attached

• 17) They use people

• 18) They are dizzying conversationalists

• 19) They create drama

• 20) They don't make love; they take it

• 21) They are not protective

• 22) They create stories in their head

• 23) They have no desire to know you

• 24) They have no interest in making this a great relationship

• 25) Control & manipulation

• Page 16-The word "covert is defined in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as "not openly shown." "Passive-aggressive is defined as "displaying behaviour characterised by the expression of negative feelings, resentment and aggression in an unassertive way"

• Page 17-"Overt narcissists are usually annoying people. Most people don't like them. They are showy. They love to talk about their achievements. It is obvious they are all about themselves."

• Page 17-"Children of covert narcissists will often have careers that are impressive. They can be pastors, spiritual leaders, therapists, and heads of non profit organisations.They can be politicians who are charming, look you right in the eye, and really seem to care. Coverts do have a grandiose sense of self, are preoccupied with fantasies of power, require excessive admiration, but they hide these attributes so people will like and trust them."

• Page 17-"Children of covertly narcissistic parents often do not realise the truth about their mom or dad until their thirties

• The Three Phases: Love bombing, Devaluing & Discard (page 24-29)

Page 182-Traits Of Real Love

1) They treat you with respect

2) They stand up for you

3) They believe in you

4) They listen to you

5) They really know you

6) They respect your feelings

7) They want you to be happy

8) Sex-they cherish you, love your body and love to give pleasure

9) They love to treat you and celebrate you

10) They value you

11) They enjoy you

12) They treat you with kindness

13) They support your endeavours

14) They feel excited for you when you succeed

15) They feel empathy for you when you feel sad, scared and unsure

16) Their honesty comes from a place of love

17) They want the best for you

18) They defend you to others

19) They care about you

20) They trust and respect your instincts

21) They encourage you

22) They truly love you, not just with their words but also their actions

Why I'm No Longer Talking To White People About Race / Reni Eddo Lodge/ Notes

• Race & Class

• Notes-Page 201

• "We should be rethinking the image we conjure up when we think of a working-class person. Instead of a white man in a flat cap, it's a black woman pushing a pram. It's worth questioning exactly who wins from the suggestion that the only working-class people worth compassion are white, or that it's black and ethnic minority people who are hoarding scant resources at the expense of white working class people who are losing out"

• "MP Liz Kendall explicitly let it be known that she was interested in supporting white working class children. Setting out her stall for the leadership bid in a meeting with journalists, she said she wanted Labour to "be doing the best for kids, particularly in white, working class communities. It wasn't just class discrimination that was holding back these kids...she seemed to suggest...it was their whiteness.

• Page 205-" A 2014 report from market research company Ipsos MORI found that British people thought that foreign-born population of the country was 31% as opposed to the 13%. The same report found that the higher your income, the more likely you are to think immigrants are a drain on public services. Things have switched from berating working class people for daring to exist, to extending a hand of help to them as long as it's in opposition to those grasping ethnic minorities. Sticking "white" in front of the phrase working class is used to make assumptions about race, work and poverty"

• Page 208-"When the trades union congress looked at data ..black employees were dealing with a growing pay gap in comparison to their white counter parts and that this pay gap actually widened with higher qualifications. Black people with education up to GCSE level were paid 11 per cent less. Black people with A-levels saw an average of 14% less pay and university educated black graduates saw a gap of, on average 23% less pay then their white peers

• About Race With Reni Eddo Lodge/Renay Rich Podcast Notes/type writing

• 1) Things can only get better (25:16)

• 7:12-"I remember a celebratory, multi cultural progressive Britain, when Tony Blaire was elected everyone was celebrating...a lot of happiness in North London at the time. I suppose my question to you is, are you saying was Britain not as progressive as I thought?"

• "It was potentially progressive"

• 8:33-"To some extent they did...He said Britain cannot be a beacon of hope whilst we have no black judges, no black army officers"

• 12:10-"We need to move into a positive forceful movement, instead of just saying "oh I'm a poor bastard...you are victimising me. Saying that all the time bores people, you've got to say- I can laugh, I can create, I can do drama, this is just as important as what you're saying on the news

• 17:04-"A good joke is a good joke, a good story is a good story. Most audiences don't give a toss about who's telling it. What they're going to relate to is the truth of the emotion or the truth of the humour, because our humour was so truthful and it came from a really real place, people got that. And if they didn't know what "chuddy's" they could ask their asian friends. In fact that's what happened. We met so many young asians saying: "I used to be the butt of the joke, now we're making the jokes. Now my white friends are asking what the jokes mean, you don't know what that means to us."

• 17:45-20 years later Britain is not the political post racial utopia the labour party promised. Culture took a nose dive too. What happened? Multi culture was the buzz word of the time...it was promoted positively "this is what makes us great".

• 18:20-The mood changed after 9/11-before 9/11- there was riots in Bradford because far right groups were attacking muslims and muslims started to fight back. There was this narrative of "we have an enemy within"...crudely people blamed multi culturalism.

• 19:13-"what he articulated... was multi culturalism caused separatism caused terrorism...how you get there god only knows. But it was an easy narrative...not that you have a society that doesn't allow people to integrate...but that it was our fault that we were living in these ghettos...nothing to do with poor housing...we were lead down a culdisack"

• 20:59- "Here is where I think we are...we are sleep walking our way to segregation, we are becoming strangers to each other and we are leaving communities to be marooned outside the mainstream."

• 2)White Season part 1 (25:16)

• 16:55-Daniel Trilling-"One of the key moments in movement in the development of the white working class narrative was that the BBC did something called "the white season" in 2007 and 2008...it plays on... the guilt of white liberals who play in positions of power that they don't represent the people that they're supposed to be representing...when someone comes along and uses white working classist, there wear this badge of authenticity...so the white liberal...there is a place of panic..go along with everything as who am I to disagree?"

• 18:21-"It's very fair to complain about the slurs of white trash and chav. But it certainly wasn't black people leading the charge of those slurs"

• 21:17-Owen Jones-"What happened was because the working class had been air-bushed out of existence but what began to re-emerge in discourse and the media and new labour types and so called "white working class". It was this bizarre sense of "well here's this other minority in the multi-cultural framework...we're defining them by their ethnicity rather than by their class, problems and injustices that they have can be explained by race rather than by class. The reason this was allowed to happen was because there wasn't this sense of integrating class and race. The white working class in my opinion is a completely false construct because where are the most diverse communities?"

• 3)White Season part 2 (23:30)

• 4)Political Blackness (29:50)

• 5)Shout Out Miss Beep part 1(19:44)

• 6)Shout Out Miss Beep part 2 (26:32)

• 7)White Women Crying is Racist! (26:27)

• 8) The Anti-Racist Renaissance (36:15)

• 9)The Big Question (39:16)

The Gaslight Effect / Dr Robin Stern / Notes

• Page 14-Gaslighting is soul destroying

• Page 18-Are you involved with a glamour gaslighter?

• Page 14-The glamour gaslighter

• Page 19-Believing the gaslighter's perception to maintain the bond

• Page 21-Good guy, gaslighter, disrespectful, compliance, facade is on of the acquiescence

• Page 24-Intimidator signs

• Page 24-28-Why gaslighting is so common between a man and woman

• Causes:

• 1) Fast change of women's role during the 1940s

• 2) Rampant individualism/feminist movement & the isolation that goes with it- the result and after effect being gaslighting due to confusion and insecurity of new fast change of roles

• Page 25-"In the 1940s and our own era, women suddenly took on new power in their work lives & personal lives- a transformation in roles that both they and their men may have found threatening. Despite their newfound freedom to work, run for office, and generally participate in public life, many women still wanted some version of traditional relationship- a strong man on whom they could rely on guidance and support. And many men, on some level were threatened by women's new demands for an equal voice in both public and private realms. As a result, I think some men responded by trying to control the same strong, smart women to whom they were attracted. And some women responded by activley reprogramming themselves to lean on their men, not just for emotional support but for their very sense of self.- Who am I in the world?" A whole new generation of gaslighters and gaslightees had been created. Paradoxically too, the very feminist movement that gave women more options also helped create pressure on so many of us to be strong, successful and independent- the kind of women who would be theoretically immune to any form of abuse from men. As a result, women who are in gaslighting and other types of abusive relationships may feel doubly ashamed: first, for being in the bad relationship and second, for not living up to their self imposed standards of strength & independence. Ironically, women may use the very ideas intended to support them as a reason not to ask for help."

• 3) The gaslight culture- gaslighting found in politics, advertising, found everywhere in systems not just intimate relationships

• Page 22- The good guy/good guy listener gas-lighter needs to do nice things but not because he cares about you-he's just desperate to prove what a good guy he is

• Page 39-Mythical other woman- you have to set limits

• Page 35-"Why do we bend ourselves out of shape to fit a gaslighter's vision?" 2 reasons- 1) Fear of emotional apocalypse 2) The urge to merge

• Page 10-3 stages to gaslighting: 1) Disbelief, 2) Defence 3) Depression

• Page 29-Solution to gaslighting: Step 1: Understand you are a good, capable, loveable person who doesn't need an idealised partner to provide approval "you are entitled to love & a good life"