Women Don't Owe You Pretty / Florence Given / Notes

• Page164-"A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space"-Gloria Steinem.

• Page 165-How to take someone off a pedestal-if you can feel that you're putting someone above yourself, it's an indication that you need to do some digging and figure out what it is you feel you're lacking, If someone's presence makes you feel insecure or brings out an ugly jealousness in you, your inner child is asking to be looked after and nurtured. So tend to them."

• Page 166-"Realise that the person you're pedestaling has their own person on a pedestal above them too. Wild, right? Because they're human, flawed full of projections, insecurities and need therapy just like you"

• Page 113-"So many unpleasant interactions can be avoided by just employing direct communication"

• Page 58-"We truly despise people who remind us of the parts of our lives we wish we were thriving in, but aren't. "Who the hell does she think she is!? ""I don't like her. I can't put my finger on it, I just don't. "She's so annoying. She's changed since she's become successful. Be careful not to fall into the habit of tearing down other women to make yourself feel better. The satisfaction will wear off and you'll be back facing those unaddressed insecurities that you need to work on. That's on you, it's your responsibility. Leave her alone, let her shine!"

• Page 59-"If seeing someone's low moments eases your anxiety and makes you feel like you're winning" work on it."

• Page 62-"You either treat butch women/masc women with less respect or you make remarks about their appearance because of their lack of femininity. Flip it around"wow, in spite of the expectation for women to constantly cater their appearance to the male gaze and the privileges ...these butch icons are choosing to express their gender in a way that feels most authentic themselves...you judge or pity divorced women...flip it around...wow...they escaped a situation in which they were unhappily trapped"

• Page 62-"You make comments on black women's hair, or use words such as "bossy" or "aggressive" to describe black women in power...any unsolicited comments on how black women chose to live their life or carry themselves is both misognistic and racist."

• Page 56-"The girl you're jealous/hateful of isn't a bitch, you've internalised misogny"

• Page 56-"Sometimes we dislike women simply because because they're making bold choices that we are too afraid to make ourselves, the choices that society has made us feel are wrong or shameful because they go against the patriarchal narrative"

• Page 23-"You won't be able to enjoy things anymore-enter feminism, the world of hating everything. Just kidding! Kind of. But baby once those goggles are off there's no going back. You're going to see misogny, racism and double standard in absolutely everything: one minute "chick flicks" are your favourite movies, the next they're the stereotype-perpetuating garbage that you blame for making you crave male validation. Past sexual experiences that left you feeling uncomfortable might now actually be reframed as assault or rape...yes you might realise how your own behaviour changes when you interact with men, and how there's an innate urge for you to be polite, desirable and palatable. "

• Page 25-"If I listened to every person who told me I've "taken my feminism too far" or believed every person who told me "not everything's about race/gender/sexuality", I'd still be stuck in my old ways of ignorance and stagnancy, which is exactly the type of person the racist patriarchy relies on...don't leave conversations about politics to "grown ups"

• Page 32-"We live in a patriarchal society which priorities our desirability above anything and everything else. Which means...life is easier when we dress up. Life is easier when we shave. Life is easier when we wear makeup to work. Life is easier when we have made a visible "effort" with our appearance. Life is easier when we reflect society's idea of beauty."

• Page 33-"Shaming other women for caring about their appearance is just another form of internalised misogny and an inability to see how race, class, sexuality and desirability all affect they way you're perceived in the world."

• Page 34-"Performing femininity and desirability isn't always a choice for marginalised women, it's often an act of survival"

• Page 38-"As a woman in this world, it often feels as though we have two choices: we can either be desired or respected. Seen or head. We rarely ever get both at the same time. Which one we experience of course depends entirely on our appearance "

• Page 39-"How are you ever going to open your mind to other people's perspectives, if it's always filtered throgh a privileged gaze? Unfortunately, straight white men dominate our media, and the media is our cultural storyteller. The media is what shapes our culture, so we have to make a conscious effort to break out of this cycle...read books by black folks. Follow fat, disabled and trans people on instagram"

• Page 44-"Making these autonomous decisions is tricky because it means breaking life-long habits. It can be further complicated by your identity intersections in society, and by your class privilege, ability, sexuality privilege, race privilege, cisgender privilege etc."

• Page 45-"We talk of women being the "last one one the shelf, people in couples talk of their partners as their "other half" as though being single means they're incomplete. Hetero-normativiy has truly f'd up so many of us, to the point where we would rather being a toxic relationship than have no relationship at all. Hetero-nomativity wants women to settle."

• Page 47-"Women who reject sexual advances are called "frigid, yet that same accuser will call a women who enjoys casual sex a "slut". "In a society that punishes you either way, the only option is to do what makes you happy.

• Page 53-"In order to grow, you have to thank your old self, trust you deserve better, say goodbye and move on."

You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse / Melanie Tonia Evans / Notes

• Page 30-How does narcissism develop?

• "Narcissists typically come from families where love was severely lacking or which suffered from parental engulfment-in which a child's relationship with a parent becomes suffocating. Through mental, emotional, spiritual or sexual abuse, the child's boundaries become merged with the adult's and overruled by them....This can cause the potential young narcissist to suffer such intense inner disintegration that they then bury their true self, deeming it unable to have its needs met, and create a false self in its place. Yet there are also cases where narcissists have emerged from families headed up by loving, decent parents in which the other children have developed narcissism. In these cases I believe epigenetic trauma is the explanation: the parent's epigenetic and/or childhood trauma passed on"

• Page XV-Epigenetic trauma that is passed on from generation to generation through molecular memory and the expression of our genes, until someone releases and heals it from within their own DN, therefore breaking the cyclefor themselves and for future generations. There is now a growing belief that trauma can be passed on epigenetically from our ancestors-that is through our very genes"

• "Once their inner child has been buried alive, they are left with what resembles a black hole inside. Yet this is more than just a gnawing, dreadful feeling of emptiness: that void becomes an echo chamber for a terrifying inner critic"

• Page 31-How does a narcissist survive? "There is only one thing that can drown out a narcissists terrifying inner critic and allow the narcissist to somehow feel "alive"-and that is narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply consists of attention, significance, acclaim, notoriety, money possessions, sex and the ego boost of knowing that the other people are hooked on the narcissists

• Page 38- The Nine Traits That Make Us Susceptible To Narcissistic Abuse Summary Points of Paragraphs

• 1) You have already suffered abuse, you fear abuse or you have a strong aversion to abusers

• 2) You find it difficult to speak up, stand up for yourself or create healthy boundaries

• 3) Your integrity level is high and you are dismayed if anyone questions it

• 4) You work hard to sustain a sense of security, and you clean up the mess made by other people that could threaten your security

• 5) You feel deep down, that you can only be loved for your efforts and accomplishments

• Page 48-NARP "Narcisstic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) consisting of sequential recorded Quanta Freedom Healing Modules, which laid out the step-by-step process that I used in my one-on-one sessions, so people could listen to them at any time in the comfort of their own homes

• Page 49-Dr Christian Northup " 1 in 5 people suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that 1 in 25 is a sociopath...however published statistics concerning narcissist...frequently inaccurate because narcissism is mostly undiagnosed and undetected"

• Page 191-193-Exercise- Step 9- Releasing The Ties- The Release into Your True Energy

• Page 200-What does it mean to feel whole?

• Page 204-206 Exercise-Coming Home To Yourself

• Page 207-210-Healing This Generation, Our Children & Future Generations

The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist / Debbie Mirza / Notes

• Page 7-"Both genders are affected by this destructive personality disorder. I interviewed women and men who have experienced this abuse"

• Page xvi-"I facilitate a support group in my area and have seen how important stories are. When I begin the meetings, I often ask what they are hoping to get out of the evening. Most people say "Stories! I need to heart stories so I know I'm not crazy."

• Page 3-"Amy read the basic traits-lack of empathy, rage, lacking a strong sense of self controlling manipulative, selfish. She began to feel her eyes were opening to things she had not seen previously."

• Page x-"You think you're on the right track after discovering narcissistic personality disorder, but the you read things that are not completely what you experienced."

• Page xi-"The overt type of abuser is much more obvious because they lack the intelligence to manipulate as cleverly, so they resort to aggression and violence as their primary weapons. Plausible deniability is the covert narcissists greatest weapon in their arsenal gaslighting tools.

• page xi-"They can mirror empathy, concern and tears better than most Hollywood actors.

• Page 15-"Some are classified as overt, covert, somatic, cerebral, parasitic, and boomerang. All Narcissists have the same core trait- The official list of these traits is found in the DSM-IV"

• According to the DSM-IV, a patient must have at-least five of the following traits to be diagnosed as having a narcissistic personality disorder.

• "A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by 5 or more:

• 1) Has a grandiose sense of self importance (e.g exaggerates achievements & talents, expects to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements)

• 2) Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

• 3) Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with, other special or high status people (or institutions)

• 4) Requires excessive admiration

• 5) Has a sense of entitlement (i.e, unreasonable expectations of especially favourite treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations)

• 6) Is interpersonally exploitative (i.eg takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends)

• 7) Lacks empathy is unwilling to recognise or identity with the feelings and needs of others

• 8) Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

• 9) Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes

Page 150- Is their abusive behaviour conscious or unconscious?

The difference between covert vs overt narcissists

Page 86-Indirect/Insinuating Comments

• Traits Of A Covert Narcissist (page 45-71)

• 1) They do not have a strong sense of self

• 2) Silent rage

• 3) Lying

• 4) Hoovering

• 5) Constant criticism

• 6) Jealousy

• 7) They project their own issues onto you

• 8) Their words don't match their actions

• 9) They are emotionally disconnected

• 10) Flying monkeys

• 11) They take credit for your ideas

• 12) They with-hold old praise and recognition

• 13) They sabotage birthdays, holidays, vacations and meaningful dates

• 14) They belittle you & "teach you lessons"

• 15) They are self-focused and emotionally immature

• 16) They are always strings attached

• 17) They use people

• 18) They are dizzying conversationalists

• 19) They create drama

• 20) They don't make love; they take it

• 21) They are not protective

• 22) They create stories in their head

• 23) They have no desire to know you

• 24) They have no interest in making this a great relationship

• 25) Control & manipulation

• Page 16-The word "covert is defined in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as "not openly shown." "Passive-aggressive is defined as "displaying behaviour characterised by the expression of negative feelings, resentment and aggression in an unassertive way"

• Page 17-"Overt narcissists are usually annoying people. Most people don't like them. They are showy. They love to talk about their achievements. It is obvious they are all about themselves."

• Page 17-"Children of covert narcissists will often have careers that are impressive. They can be pastors, spiritual leaders, therapists, and heads of non profit organisations.They can be politicians who are charming, look you right in the eye, and really seem to care. Coverts do have a grandiose sense of self, are preoccupied with fantasies of power, require excessive admiration, but they hide these attributes so people will like and trust them."

• Page 17-"Children of covertly narcissistic parents often do not realise the truth about their mom or dad until their thirties

• The Three Phases: Love bombing, Devaluing & Discard (page 24-29)

Page 182-Traits Of Real Love

1) They treat you with respect

2) They stand up for you

3) They believe in you

4) They listen to you

5) They really know you

6) They respect your feelings

7) They want you to be happy

8) Sex-they cherish you, love your body and love to give pleasure

9) They love to treat you and celebrate you

10) They value you

11) They enjoy you

12) They treat you with kindness

13) They support your endeavours

14) They feel excited for you when you succeed

15) They feel empathy for you when you feel sad, scared and unsure

16) Their honesty comes from a place of love

17) They want the best for you

18) They defend you to others

19) They care about you

20) They trust and respect your instincts

21) They encourage you

22) They truly love you, not just with their words but also their actions